Writing, because talking requires the right moment and mindset – and of course a goal or destination to go to.
Writing because I do not know where to go from here, to buy time, to seek clearity, to find answers and to be able to make right decisions.
Should fear stop us from taking on life? Normally I would say no – But with some people it’s best to not fuck arround, because it can be dangerous.
I am who I am and life happens, all I do is improvise.
Who am I, what am I, and am I really? I am crazy, I am a gipsy, I live by the day and indeed I respond to life as it comes.
I am a gipsy – it’s like a magical line that other people can understand. I don’t… It’s new to me to allow that side of me to explain part of what I am… I don’t even know what it fully means, but it runs deep – it connects to very deeprooted emotions. Deep enough to make me cry, just even mentioning it…
It is a pain, it is a longing, it is a cry out to the world to please try to understand me… I need people arround me that will, and can embrace it, acknowledge it, and just let me be. I am finding myself, and unpacking that brings up alot of emotions. Emotions I somehow have to deal with.
My soul is open and pure, reaching out to the world, and the stories start to come out in the open after many years… They get accepted and embraced, welcomed even… But I don’t know how to deal with that. How to deal with being accepted, how to deal with being loved, how to deal with people that also want me to move forward and grow further…
I got embraced, got overwhelmed and ran… And I know if I go back, I will probably run again. Because I dont know what to do with it… I learned to survive, very effectively. It’s not a pretty way tho. I left with a certainty that they do not try to convince me to come back…
When I leave – I leave with pain – I bite, I show my teeth and my wildness… They know I’m serious and it’s real.
My pain is real, my need to retreat is real, the making sure I don’t get followed is real… It’s like blocking the door – They are paralised or shocked, and time slows down so I can escape back to my shelter…
And then I convince myself they were not good for me, it was not real, it’s not good enough, they will never understand and all that bullshit… It’s a pattern that gets triggered when bonding or whatever. I don’t know what exactly triggers it, but I do know it’s fucked up.
People that get too close, they just get put back. They don’t know what happened – most of them will also not really care. People come, people go – that’s life. But I care, because I see myself running in circles which I don’t seem able to break through, eventho I see them happening in front of my very own eyes…
Atleast I try to be brave, and try to make these connections over and over again. Because my soul longs for connections. I have no problem connecting to souls. The human aspect of it all – THAT is the problem. How to deal with it, what to do with it, how to translate this into a life?
Can I not just be my soul? Is it not allowed to speak from it? I want it combined… I need to have that, and people need to respect and understand and accept it. I have my wounds, I carry my pains and I feel very deeply so yes – I respond very strongly.
And indeed I do get frustrated when I see, feel and hear such beautiful things and connections – but then at the same time see them doing the opposite in their daily lives. It hurts, it frustrates, it confuses and it turns me to walk away.
There seems to be something missing. On so many levels everything aligns and seems to be good – Yet I got frustrated. My body cramped, and yelled NO! My spirit resisted and made me turn away.
What is it? Acknowledgement, respect, awareness… The realisation of who I am. What or who I am by nature – I don’t know, but it claims respect and it wants to be acknowledged.
There is something like a birthright. I am not ashamed about the things I still have to learn. I even am glad and claim it on bravery that I accept my lessons. Pride is also a big thing. I live proudly, because I know I put effort and discipline, and I do have a vision and goal.
I know these things get in the way, especially because they are very deeply rooted in my animalistic self. It’s not pride as a human, it is a proud spirit or soul. I am not particularly good at anything, I’m not really an achiever in the physical – it’s not about my ego.
It is about who I am, and my position. It is about where I am at right now, and the position I have. There is discontent, it’s not real anger but yes agression towards the people. Frustration about me not getting the chance to live my life as it should be…
I battle with the scars, the marks of life that hold me back from manifesting. I refuse to accept less from life. I refuse to be evaluated upon my behaviours – behaviours that are dominated by pain, fear and weakness… I am not my behaviour!
I feel limited – and I am – Even the state and doctors, psychologists and the entire thing arround it acknowledges and accepts that. I acknowledge it, but I don’t accept.
I believe that I can overcome my wounds. I believe it is my responsibility to do whatever it takes to become whole again. I believe that my spirit and soul should overcome the limitations and challenges the physical world offers… I believe strongly that I am a warrior, and I am born to do this.
I also believe that one day I will be reunited with my people, and when I do- I want to be able to tell them I stood tall, that I kept walking, kept believing and kept doing what I am supposed to do. I do not wait, I do not accept anything less then full reality. I seek it, always. I test it, always.
I don’t know where to go from here – Silence and calmness overwhelmes me. I don’t know… Time will tell, and if it does – We simply improvise!