Choosing a life of selfhealing and discipline

sunrise new beginning

Today was a special day… I went out this morning, and rode my bicycle in the morning sun… The sun was still rising, so it was just freshly coming up. I greeted the sun – I do that quite often lately… Making sure that I am outside when the sun is coming up.

Of course I’m not always at the exact same time, but greeting the sun in the morning feels good! It is a nice start of the day, it makes you feel aware! And awareness, that is the road I am choosing.

My Two months ago I started to look up information about the stars – the three kings particularly, because I remembered the reference with orion, the wintersolstice and the christmas / christianity link. So from thereon I watched a couple of Astro-theology video’s, picked up some knowledge about the hermetic wheel of the year and some basic principles – and noticed that it resonated really well with me.

I’m absolutely non-religious, but all cultures turn out to be sun-worshippers in the end. The sun, the moon, the stars – it’s the beginning of all mythology, the basic start up for every culture. I must admit, I’m a very basic and practical guy. Higher complex theories and advanced knowledge don’t do it for me. Primitive, simple, logical and practical – simply stuff that works, that’s more my thing.

So the planets and the stars – well I bet they have their functions as well, most likely more then simply navigating and keeping track of time – I’ve indeed heared interesting things that also correspond and relate with attunement, but for now the sun and moon are enough!

I am also naΓ―ve – or simple – when it comes to thinking ahead – or realising in advance what kind of impact the things I do have on myself. Lol that’s really poor English – Oh well, I’m a bit tired, been busy all day and it’s been quite a while since I expressed myself in English…

But what I’m trying to say is that by attuning myself and be more aware of the energy of the sun and moon and their effects, things in my life start changing. I change – it seems like I’m transforming my life into a more natural way of living.

Sun-Rays-represent-Love

This transformation is going on much longer then just these two months ofcourse, but in these last two months I’ve been picking it up alot more. My life has been a bit hectic the last three years, and things start to settle down more – and I get to the point where I am forming a solid structure – a strong base to build further upon.

Why was today so special?

Well, today – this morning – I realised that I’m being acknowledged. Acknowledged in my battle of many years, all those years where I’ve been misunderstood and tried so hard to explain and tried to make something work that never will happen.

I tried to live up to the expectations of society – battled so hard that I literally lost everything, to finally be able to say and come to the conclusion: I am not part of the norm, a normal life as I perceived it – as I envisioned it, and what I tried to manifest – and also succeeded in that, was not the life for me… I got stuck, very stuck, and in a way I’m still stuck and caught in those old expectations and thinking patterns…

But yesterday I got a letter by mail… That letter mentioned that I cannot handle more then 4 hours of work a day, 20 hours a week, that I should not be put under pressure or strict authority, that I need a clear job description without any conflict situations…

Well ofcourse this letter is an outcome based upon an earlier psychological report, where it states that I do not have any filters to filter out impressions… So everything that happens in my life – I feel it, and I respond to it… Well as you can imagine – in the modern world, if not aware, that can become quite hectic – because there are quite alot things happening at the same time – constantly…

This morning, in my inspired moment… I realised: All those things are gone! There is no pressure, there is no obligation, there is no battle anymore! I fucking made it!

I have my house, my dog, still see my kids – I’ll never have to work in a factory again, or worry about finding a job! I don’t have to carry a secret anymore – I dont have to fight to fit in – because the tests have proven it: Fitting in ISN’T an option!

Well for over 15 years, I have been living in a sort of twilight-zone: On one side there is my spiritual side – on the other is the material / daily side… So with friends and colleagues that was also very divided… I had people that loved my deepness, apreciated my sensitivity – and I had people that loved my bluntness, my sense of humour and my crazyness…

The people that know me from my crazyness, would never think that I could be so serious… Well the people that knew my spiritual side DID know about my fun partyside as well haha…

excuses or progress

But now, there is no room for excuses anymore – NOTHING stands in my way of becoming who I am or should be – besides myself… I should become my own healer, my own teacher. This morning that idea came out alot stronger and convincing hahaha… I really felt liberated and a sense of reborn… That magic kind of dribbled off again during the day lol – but I’m doing as I planned: I’m writing about it.

It’s part of the things that I want to do. It’s part of my plan! I also wanted to play the flute outside to thank the sun, to honour it for it’s great insight of rebirth… And I did! Well at my first attempt – whilst walking the dog in the field, it turned out to be much too cold and windy – so, eventho the sky was bright blue, the sun was shining very brightly and strong… It wasn’t an option at that time… So I came home – and decided after a while to simply record it indoors.

I also planned to bring my flutes along when walking with my daughters in the forest, after I picked them up from school… But I wasnt sure yet if there would be a good oppurtunity to play at that time – so that’s why I did the indoor recording: To make sure that I still did what I planned – albeit in a somewhat different way then I envisioned it. So yes, I did the outdoor flute playing as well!

Yesterday I also made music / rhythm, and a week before that as well. Making music / rhythm / melody to me is like using a tool. But it is more then simply a hammer or a screwdriver – somehow my instruments give me exactly what I need, they lead and I follow… I dont know what will come of it, all that I know is, that IF I really want to find my way back to the core… My instruments know the way!

And once again I do that very intuΓ―tively and unaware, it simply is a reaction. I have a memory of a feeling that reminds me of a clear state of being I want to return to… It’s a certain period with bound memories etc – I liked that fresh awake, alive and clear state… That period is from a time where I was very expressive, used my instruments ALOT and spend alot of time outside andinteracting with alot of people in an expressive way…

I’m still a chaotic mess now – that’s because all the clutter and debree thats slowly flushing out… That’s also why I accept it: I know what is happening… I’m cleansing myself… All these vibrating rhythms and melodies going thru my body and system, they make everything loose… All the crap trembles loose in the resonance of sounds, in the expression of spirit…

soundhealing

People like myself need spiritual maintenance – That means: Sure, I can be out in the world and go places and do things, and visit people and have fun… BUT I have to be aware of my sensitivity – that’s the β€œyou have no filter” part… I am aware of who / what I am for quite long now… I was about 16 / 17 when I got first aproached and made aware of my β€œsensitivity’. Lol I don’t want to drift off to how my path started – but sometimes it’s kind of silly…

Of course I always knew that it was not a smart choice to go work in a factory… Of course I always knew that I don’t fit in, and that I was different. Of course I rebelled against everything and tried to protect myself and did efforts to keep balance….

BUT haha… None of it all was official! This probably sounds very disrespectful – but I do not mean it in a denigrating way – but my spiritual teachers / mentors / guides – eventho I have seen and experienced plenty to be completely unable to deny anything of what they said – there’s always the room to just let it go, and go on with your life… Well it turns out there ISNT in my case haha!

But that’s the crappy part as well right now: Coming at the point of no excuses… Society likes to label it as a problem or a handicap / shortcoming.. Spirituality sees at as an enrichment, gift or blessing… LoL… So that choice is still there… but this time, responsibility is All Mine…

I cannot be a victim anymore… It is clearly shown that β€œother people” can accept me easier then I can accept myself… They don’t make a big deal of it – I do!

I need to find my balance, and I need to respond instantly – trying to minimize any sort of delay: Simply doing as it comes! Being my spontanious active self – and just practice being in the moment! All options are open, so what do I want?

I am limitless

Well, that’s easy!

I want to make music / rhythm / melody / noise (call it what you want) daily! It doesn’t have to be long, but it should be part of my day.

I want to exercise – wether it’s push ups, going for a run or to the gym – it doesnt matter, but I want to put my body into action daily – and with action I dont mean the walking or cycling… It has to really activate and intensify.

I want to keep my biorhythm in check – That means I want to sleep between 7 and 9 hours a day, and be up early enough to call it a usefull day – 8am is a good starting point for a jobless man LoL…

I want to eat more wild plants from the natural environment – that means foraging – looking up what is out there, eating it during the walks and making fresh herbal teas in order to keep my system lined up with the seasons and the environment, and get all those extra minerals etc – that have been forgotten because most people dont consume them anymore…

I want to keep my social life in check… I tend to be a hermit, eventho I know that I get grumpy and isolate myself more when not getting socialised enough… Like right now: A big part of my fuzzyness and being overly introspective or reflective – simply comes because I am constantly surrounded by myself – there is nothing else to talk about or think about, if nothing more happens… So I must meet/visit people atleast 2 times a week.. Poor people hahaha…

I want to learn how to really meditate. That means other then with a drum or a whistle or chant – For example try tai chi, or yoga, or breathing techniques, or falun dafa – any type of movement and breath will do… Preferably turn it into a daily routine – or else twice a week..

I want to make time and learn to read books… Of course I can read… But I rarely read books. I quite often irritate myself for being stuck at my phone – just wasting time giggling bout stupid stuff – which ofcourse is important as well… But I would rather read – I DO have alot of interesting books that I would really like – but never really read… Occasionally a quick look up lol… but just from page one till the end… VERY rarely haha…

dalai-lama-compassion

I want to be more open and aproachable for others… I want to be more compassionate – have more real conversations, and become more at ease with not-knowing… I want to practice how to deal with situations where I can listen and learn without excuses… I want to learn to be less defensive, more acceptive and tolerant…

I want to be more honest and open about the things I dont know, or haven’t learned – I want to learn the strength of softness, the power of weakness… I want a chance to have the full newborn experience… The chance to say: Okay, indeed – I was wrong… Things are not as I think they are, I get that… But please help me to see it differently – take the time to help me see… Yes – I know I can be slow, and yes – I know it’s silly that some very basic stuff I simply miss… But teach me to be human… show me what it is… Expose me to life… I want to learn, I want to know…

I do not believe that some things are impossible… Sure everything has it’s limitations… But – my entire life exists of challenges – Where one challenge stops, a new one arises… Yes, I do want to fight less – I want to learn to fight differently – but I will always be a fighter… I will always push further… I am alive, I am free – limitations challenge my freedom – so I challenge my limitations…

We will see in the coming days, weeks, months and years how it all will develop… Waht comes, what goes, and how much of my plans will turn from words into actions…

However it goes, I think i’m on the good way… LoL – atleast I try … And I got plenty of personality to not just let me get away with it… I got a lifetime to work on it – altho nobody knows how long/short that might be haha…..

Whatever comes, comes – All is good! And we work with what we get..

Published by

sjpielsewolf

Interested in germanic heathenry, lore, original fairy- and folktales, shamanism and lots of other related worldly stuff. I walk and cycle alot in nature, read, play various instruments etc.

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