Yes, time to ponder and reflect. What did just happen, and what will it actually translate to in my current life now the word is out? In reality nothing has changed of course. I am still me, today it’s still thursday and appearantly i’ve had it all my life, so basically nothing should have changed.
Somehow it did. By the way nothing is official yet of course, and the entire thing has to still get specified down. But of course you do not end up at a doctors office for no reason – and that doctor doesnt send you to the psychiatric nurse for further evaluation for no reason… And the outcome of sending me to a psychologist specialised in development disorders didn’t surprise me a whole lot.
In a certain way it gives a lilbit peace of mind – because it gives acknowledgement to my personal struggles in the past, and with a bit of luck I might be able to better understand myself. That also means I might be able to set goals that are actual reachable when adressing the right tools to bypass my eventual shortcomings. So that is the positive side: I might actually be able to advance in life, because I can study and learn about creating the right circumstances in order to cope with all the impressions that the intensity of going to school brings.
Odd enough the opportunity of being to able to study and FINISH any sort of education is my biggest hope now! I’ve tried it three times before, and failed – not because of bad grades – but simply not being able to cope with all the impressions. This usually results in a completely stressed out version of me, exhausted, wondering WHY I can’t manage to achieve what so many others have done before me…
It feels like I might get the chance to let a secret off my shoulder, which I carry arround like a big burden. Over the years I have learned to deal with myself. To be in order to take part in society – as it has always been a gigantic struggle to hold on to a job. With a bit of luck someone can advice me a good book with coping strategies, and can explain me how to build up my life as I had planned it – before I realised that somehow it doesn’t want to work out for me.
It saddens me a bit – that IF indeed some sort of disorder would be present, that a certain way of connecting to people as in friendships simply wouldn’t be possible on a higher level. But looking at a different perspective: It most likely can only go better from now on.
I feel like I have discovered a new lead in going forward and building towards a richer future. Richer in the sense of filled up more with the stuff I imagined or expected for myself. I am quite a passionate person, and in the outcome of this I see a useful challenge. I’m fully convinced that investing in oneself is the best investment to make.
I actually am getting eager now to get this stuff started, so I get something to work on. I have a strong hands-on mentality. I see options and possibilities instead of obstructions. It would be very nice if I would simply get accepted with maybe being slightly different on certain occasions.
It would be really nice to have a few succes-experiences to regain some selfworth and trust in my abilities to achieve something with a positive outcome. It would be great to build up self esteem by being able to be my full self, without being cautious or being aware of myself. Doubtfull if I’m good enough, afraid to disappoint – painfully aware of promises that I can’t make true.
This modern world is based upon being to able to sell yourself. I cannot say that I’m very confident in starting new jobs or education. It would be unrealistic if I would. I’m doubtfull to even mention relationships to family, friends etc – In that sense to put it mildly, I am not a pro.
The lack of skill or nature to maintain personal relationships with people is what stings me most. I don’t get that deeper connection with people – eventually people sense that, and move on to where it does. Somewhere along the way that got broke, that piece that allows people into the innercircle. Within that space, it got quite lonely.
That too has to do with the belief that I only have drama to add – and eventho I write it down – I do not feel like I should bug anyone personallly with it. I’ve been told in the past that I’ve hurt people alot, so much, that they don’t even want to see me anymore. It seems that I’ve caused people pain – which I never wish to do again. Somehow I got very severely disappointed and hurt, by taking in what I’ve unawarely established, that I decided to do it all by myself. Sadly that idea or concept has been put to practice in my more rebellious years where i kicked off everything I love – so I wasn’t able to inflict them more pain. Since then I simply shut that door, and started over elsewhere…..
So far that works perfectly – but now that’s everything settled, and I am in a safe territory, I start to notice that trying to open that door I closed shut 15 years ago, isn’t going to open without facing what I hid behind it… And that is quite intens and grievefull… That’s plenty said about that now ….