Dream: Walking and eating with new friends
We had been walking – Helga and I, without dogs or kids. We were with a group of people, adults, most of them our age, some older. We didn’t have kids or dogs with us. The walk itself I remember nothing of, so the entire scene is at the restaurant.
The food is a buffet where you have to stand up and choose your own food. We sit, have a great time talking – we talk about the region, the landscape and working in it. In my dream the work is related to the older houses – we talk about most likely about a dream version of Helga’s mother that is experienced in cleaning such houses.
The people we are with are new, and quite sociable – immediately I interact friendly with them, which is not very common to me. Usually with dreamfigures in the form of teachers/lesson-bringers I put up a fight first. This time there was no resistance, I was open.
I ate something that looked like lasagna with cheese and bacon. There also was a black guy on our table, we talked a lot. He had rice on his plate. I told him that I didn’t see that they had rice as well. Everyone has different foods. There also is a waitress.
We had to change tables in the beginning – very odd – grey sofas. The kids were present in thatr part of the dream – it was somewhere at the beginning of the dream – chairs had to be moved – there was family also. My uncle Matty was there. There was a party like a birthday or something. We talked about stuff – I’m not sure about exactly what, something with doing eachother a favor. It was a friendly atmosphere, we were smiling at eachother – I felt welcome.
I notice when writing about family it pinches – it hurts kind of. I also notice that I am very surprised that I am eating with new people. I also notice how I am completely at ease and wake up very relaxed and content. I also noticed how inspired I get when waking up, and how inspired thoughts fill me when in the shower.
I notice how strong the feeling gets to right my dreams down, to accept the transformation. I thought of putting my laptop next to my bed, already started up, with a word file opened, hooked to the electricity cable, but of course with a closed top so I can write immediately after a dream.
I notice how reading my little book about dreams, how cliché it might sound has got an instant effect on me. I started reading it the day before yesterday. Yesterday I decided to pick up djembe-playing in a blink of a second, also because of a dream. The idea of not working against me, but with me starts to sink in. There are lots of things in life I want – which are already there, that I simply ward off out of fear.
Especially family fears me. Fear to get hurt, to open up. Also fear towards others. Mostly fear to share emotions and ideas with people close. Fear to be laughed at, fear to be judged, fear to be misinterpreted, and fear to kick people in the shins because I think different about a lot of matters.
The inner voice yelling to be social, needing to have interaction with others outside my own family – shared activities, exchange of ideas, fun moments to talk about – Against the rigid believe that I stand alone, that I do not have time to undertake stuff with others, that I am bound to home and the house, that the day is too short to not spend time with my kids and wife. Also the believe that all I should do is make money, and not giving it out, not spending it on things for my own activities. That’s why I stopped djembe-playing: I lost my previous job – and that meant we were put back to a minimum – so I immediately stopped drumming, because I believe that the drumming is an extra.
It turns out to be much more for me then a simple extra. Since I stopped group drumming I have become an asshole. A bittered angry young man that’s unsatisfied with life because he isn’t getting what he thinks he should deserve.
That’s the exact attitude or feeling that my dreams address: Stop being what you are not, and stop punishing and beating up yourself. Somehow there is a big part of guild that I carry around that makes me believe I do not deserve it, or that I should be ashamed of who I am and I am not allowed to have a nice social life. The black guy in my dream mirrored Antoine – an old friend that occurs in my dreams A LOT. The black guy played soccer he told me, professionally – He lived on a soccer campus and had to travel to get here. His home was far away, and not in a nice place, but he didn’t mind it because he was almost never there. That’s why he had to pay the 8 euro’s he said. Before he told me that he had gone away for a second, went to the parking lot and came back after a few.
New people joined the table as well, and he flirted with one of the girls, and I was surprised new random people came at our table. I smiled friendly towards them; they didn’t sit in line or a table away. They literally mingled our group, and started talking friendly, and we were friendly back. They had been walking as well they told us. I was planning to get up and leave when the up followers came, but everyone else was staying put, and simply socializing. So I sat back down, and once again chose to copy the other people’s behavior and relax.
That is also an idea I had after yesterday’s dream: simply relax and start taking daily life as a free lesson in being social. Monday I have to go fold towels in order to get my welfare. I feel quite frustrated about that. Not the folding towels are the problem – the being forced into a social event not of my choosing is. Not because I generally dislike people, but simply because being in big groups of people wears me out. It tires me immensely – I am not used to be amidst a lot of people 8 hours long and having constant interaction. I am exhausted at the end of the day, not buy the folding of towels, but by interacting constantly.
Especially of course that nobody there is present because they like it. Everyone is there because they must; else they do not get the welfare. The feeling going to a prison, a forced thing to go to, being amidst a lot of people that indeed did not have jobs for years. I feel completely in the wrong reality there, out of place.
So yes, I figured I could pick that up as a challenge. As a place to learning to deal with being social, with being part of a group. I failed my education, not because I was too dumb. Mostly because I failed to deal with being social. Everything basically turns back to that. Not having a clue why other people can have happy lives sharing, and I manage to put me into an outsider position almost immediately.
That is most obviously what has driven me towards nature and shamanism in particular. I just have a very much more direct and honest approach. It is not that I cannot be social, or aren’t social. I’ve been a social professional for 3 years being a personal guide of a kid with muscle illness – and also gave guidance to handicapped and autistic people. So it is not that I fail to connect or lack empathy or social solutions. The general people however, understand very fast on a subtle level that I am different and not to be held close somehow.
I have to think about animals, monkeys. They too have a very strong natural sense when another member of their group is not really part of a group. They too subtly go around it. It’s part of who I am, I remember the Loki discussions – how strongly people can detest the energy it represents. That which brings and forces in change. Most people strongly disliking it are those that have very high values in exactly those parts I’m not good at: holding together, keeping tight groups, flock together and somehow believing they are the same.
Obviously I’m not a group’s person – but obviously my subconscious – my dreams think I might have put that believe into an overdrive. So yes, I must do something with it. Doesn’t really matter what, I’ve got a whole life to find a way to deal with myself. I know from experience though that I shouldn’t make haste. Being aware of it, allow it to exist in the conscious mind and having expressed it is enough for now. I did my conscious part, now it’s up to the subconscious again to help me further. All I can say: I am willing to accept the help. I will try not to fight it but to find trust that it will be good.
Till so far: my dream and what it brought up.