I should add a new category – Ramblings of the free mind. I love to ramble!
Done! Yes Social and unsocial. I think I am not social.
Correction – yes I’m going to play a braingame for myself – If you cannot stand chaotic processes, leave now, because I’am planning to let my mind run, and it runs in ways like only mine can (unless there is a doppelganger brain of mine out there) – If so, do tell!
I think I am social, but my way of being social is not attractive in the mainstream idea of what being social should be.
I love having talks, I am quite spontanious, at the same time I avoid my neighbours, get irritated if there are alot of people arround me etc… Yes I am contradictious to say the least. Atleast I am aware of that, but seemingly not aware enough to be able to connect myself in the right way with the right people.
Of course there is no right way, or right people, that all depends on my perception in that moment. So I choose to not feel too attached to others. I on the one hand yell for attention and at the same time try to not get closed in by anyone or anything. That is what makes Twitter so nice – I can follow people, can get updated on my interest, even get followers – which most likely are people that signal to me in that way that they somewhat can relate to my existence.
This is funny – the vague connection that is there – the wordless acception or acknowledgement. Facebook is different. Facebook is wordfull but empty in meaning – atleast in my opinion. I don’t see the use of facebook – appearantly you can only add people you already know. Well – to be honest, the people I already know don’t really bother me much.
Yes that sounds harsh doesn’t it? Well yes, this is kind of deep, but it’s not meant in a bad way. Those people that I know and meet I have contact with, and those not, not – It really is that simple. If it isn’t worth to pick up a piece of paper, a pen, buy a stamp, and put it on the mail – So if basically you have nothing to say that is worth doing any effort to someone – then why should you seek contact? I don’t really want an answer to that – just want to show my reasoning, which I’m not seeking to adapt.
But.. Talking about reason, having something to tell or share – That is exactly what this is all about. Getting acknowledgement by likes and retweets and mentions and followers and what not. Eventho there is no further interaction.
Most likely, I am not as fascinating, worldchanging, inspiring and special as I hope to be. All the translating, making tutorial videos, trying to explain how to perceive the world in it’s living shape. It’s all wonderfull, and I keep doing it because I personally do believe it is good to do for myself.
The funny underlying unescapable question stays: Why?! Maybe I am no social wonder, I am not really adapted to the shitty weather conversations, and asskissing nonsense standard typical conversations people might use to “get to know eachother”. I must admit I dont really care what kind of music someone likes or what the favourite colour is.
What I do like is their personal perceptions of the world – my life is very individual – I have my perception and ideas, and they reflect and mirror all arround me, and seemingly that system works – because I thrive good on it. Stupid thing is, I have always been comfortable with my trees, animals, stones, landscapes, instruments, dreams, pets – and have determined a long time ago that the most important and real social happening is my family and at work – that my life is full enough investing in that.
Silly thing is tho, that I dropped the djembe-group. Due to working in shifts, and also my reasoning that I should be able to move on to having a different group with advanced players etc – to be independant so we could be more creative and set a course that would better fit my needs – I stopped.
I also can’t return, because the reasoning why I stopped is correct. Allways the same rhythms, and allways new beginners jumping in, that keeps slowwing down, and the choice to play non-traditional rhythms and present it in a form I could no longer fit myself into.
Attempts to connect to attract new people within my region to jam, have circles etc. all failed. Maybe because of that nice “social glow” I have haha, I don’t know. I do know however that I am seeking social interaction, simply cause i’m social of nature – but at the same time very self-centered lol. Maybe not self-centered, but too unexperienced in being social. So basically I want something, because intuivively I get driven to it – but in reality, I don’t really know how or why.
I think those are the best reasons: to learn how and why. Why do we – or let me speak for myself: I want to connect to others so badly? Why do I want to share my rhythms, my thoughts, my perceptions? What makes me believe that I have something to offer?
Well that last part is very clear to me, I know what I have to offer. The part I don’t understand is: Why people aren’t intensely happy and jumping to take it haha. All of the sudden images of people laying at my feet kissing the ground pop up in mind lol. Yes I can’t deny – my ego cannot be overlooked.
Still I believe my ego – or my strong believe in self, my acceptance to live as an individual without a human mentor and to stay true to my self and the values that grew to me, aren’t there for no reason. I strongly believe that I am walking the path I should be walking, and my drum, instruments, dreams, perception and family are part of that. I am convinced that I live as I am supposed to live, and that my life has purpose and direction, and that the choices that I made and make in life are in correspondence to my personal believes and tied to my destiny. So that is the part where my personal believe of power comes from. It justifies my egocentric view.
But but but but – That doesn’t mean I like it all the time. I think being solitary – or alone in your being and on your path, even if it is with your family, should be a phase. I want to get in the next phase of my development – to break out of the circle of personal experience, and make it shared experience. I need more perspectives, my own perceptional circle is round, my basic ideas about how things are, are rooted firmly. I don’t have to be afraid to get misguided off my track, because I’m deep enough that I get whistled back. Nothing to defend or protect – it simply is.
So, why are we weaving webs together? Why do we have a collective? Why do I prefer persons instead of books? I want to get stimulated, triggered, from outside myself. New ideas, different views, to broaden my horizons – to learn to see cross-eyed once again but then thru different eyes. To stimulate my brain, to feed my imagination, to be filled with new wonders, new passions, to get thrilled and hooked, amazed. To discover new ways, the power of subtleness, the use of kindness, to get softer again.
I would like to learn to be open, gentle, friendly and playful again in an open spontanious way without weighing the use. Simply getting in the flow again to just jump in, because I feel to. I have become too complicated for my nature, too stiff. I have learned some manners which I thought would fit most likely with growing up and being responsible. These manners, I don’t need anymore – as said, I can allow myself now to be the deer that I am. I don’t need to defend, I don’t need to hold or clamp onto anything, I am free.
That freedom to me involves people. Connecting, exchanging, flowing, dancing, playfully twirl amongst the people. Just glide thru and giving people smiles by small tiny friendly gestures. When I’m in my element people get smiles on their faces when I come by. I should choose more to spend time to be in my element. Remembering who I am – as my name says: Sjpielse Wolf – the playful wolf. More in common with the coyote and the fox, or the loki, being the wolf but not wanting to mature that was my strength in the time I was very much in my element. The stiffness doesn’t fit me, it does me harm.
And yes, that is my faery/elf connection. Plant spirits, trees and stuff, the gentle and playfull forces of nature remember me of my own nature. It is what I know, what I am familiar with, what I can relate to, it is what I can see as home and reality and natural. It is not fake. It is direct and honest, but again in a flowwing unstiff way. It is mild without judgement, creative, inspirational, it has flow and gives insights again in a way like a mild breeze, or like the rushing of water. It is force, but unforced, it is power but not driven by will. Those are my teachers, those are my friends, those are my social network, those were in my facebook sending me kind messages, before facebook was invented.
Still – they won’t drum with me, still they don’t want to learn and share perspective with me. And still I don’t think that posting this will indeed give me that human interaction. Not because it will never come – but because I feel that my focus feel on the blog and twitter is wrongly directed. I feel in the way of new reactions, more followers – quantity instead of quality and fast results instead of fruitfull results. It feels like a desperate yell for attention – as in with every moment of change, the days or weeks before make us feel the change coming. And the change makes nervous, it’s the crow in us, yelling as soon it sees something. We feel change is coming, it makes us nervous.
Whenever a circle finishes, we all are awaiting the new life – at the same time each birth starts with a death. It simply is the energy, the cycle that runs. It reminds me of a couple of years back – when we were still called lightworkers or warriors, they would even have energy reports on their site haha. Yes back then we were all very much connected. Now it seems it splintered off for a few years – and we are seeking to be connected again, but in new developed ways with different purposes that we feel internally, but cannot put to words yet.
Indeed…. These messages, are again beacons, calls to connect, work together, unite. We are all seeking our tribes, our old connections, we all long to our natural resonance, to be amongst those that speak our language, to feel connected. I believe that this is a translation, one of the many that are expressed in this very cycle to be open to cummunication, interaction, working together and bonding.
I don’t know how, what, when or with whom – I do know that what we need is arround us – where ever we are, our needs are always presence, we only need to learn to see them.
So again, it is all perception. Change is near – correction – Change is here!