Struggling with PTSS

9-1 10:43] Dave: “I already know what it is” 😂 – no i cant, but i can guess lol

[9-1 10:44] Dave: I left because i got triggered… I came back because i realise i shouldnt let my triggers rule my life…

[9-1 10:45] Dave: Obviously i *triggered* my way completely into isolation over the last two months 😇 – so yeah…

[9-1 10:47] Dave: I wanted to try and reclaim my position in society, tested the conclusions from doctors by just applying for work… Worked… Got triggered, and crawled back into my cave

[9-1 10:49] Dave: Thats how my life goes right now: wanting to live, tasting life, celebrating the moment – and then my past comes by to pull me back into old condition and keep me safe

[9-1 10:51] Dave: Until everything settles again and i recover – and try again to creatively bypass and learn about myself and the whats and whys… And most importantly the hows!

[9-1 10:53] Dave: Trial & error and therapy & crossing fingers, being brave and keep trying and apply my creativity – and alot of self-acceptance is for now the best thing i can think of to apply to myself lol

[9-1 10:55] Dave: But yes ptss supposedly will be adressed right now by a new therapist… Eventho im sceptic – it would be stupid and irresponsible to not find out what kind of ideas and techniques and methods they might have…

[9-1 10:57] Dave: I wish i could do it all on my own – im very independent, i do ALOT on my own… But clearly i cannot fix this on my own, else i’d already done it a long time ago… So yes

[9-1 11:02] Dave: It is what it is… And im very flexible, i just bounce back lol… It just sucks in a very practical way 😂… Im used to my skittish behaviour of retreating – would be odd if i wasnt… So eventho it sucks when it happens.. I know its part of my “disability” – my old wounds and open endings to them

[9-1 11:06] Dave: Reflexive survival responses.. My reactions are from my feelings of a state of mind from years ago… So specific situations are like keys to hidden treasureboxes of the past… Lol… Step on the right stone, and the box flies open 😂 – thats where i think: oh fuck, not this again – and i go home lol to sit it out… And indeed avoid the person that pushed the button

[9-1 11:08] Dave: Because indeed… It isnt fun: emotions are real lol… Even if u realise the situation might not be as intense as u feel it… U still feel it 😇…

[9-1 11:09] Dave: So yes… I respond strongly… I’m an action-taking guy… Haha a first-responder so to say 😂

[9-1 11:10] Dave: So that holds it all… Why i left, and why i come back: i was wrestling monsters, i looked it in the eye – i saw what it was, and understood it wasnt you!

[9-1 11:13] Dave: So yes, i have my tenderpoints lol, my buttons… I just have to get to know them better so i can understand them and tell them to stop fucking up my life 😂

[9-1 11:15] Dave: In other words: sorry, i never meant to hurt or harm u in any way… Leaving was probably to prevent u from having u witness my pain

[9-1 11:15] Dave: Its my struggle

[9-1 11:17] Dave: 🙂 and i try to keep other people out of it… So i remove myself from other people when it pops up… I retreat… And work my way thru it… And come out stronger each time 😘 


Verdeelde maatschappij


Ik heb net gekeken naar het tweede deel van “In het spoor van IS”, het maakt emoties in me los. Hetgeen mij het meest raakt is de verdeeldheid. De verschillende machten, allemaal bij elkaar in één maatschappij – maar compleet langs elkaar heen gaan.

Het verschil tussen uniform, het verschil van het gezelschap waarmee je verschijnt. De ene kant is heel menselijk, warm en gezellig – de andere kant is doodsbang, vol wantrouwen en soms zelfs haat.

Continue reading Verdeelde maatschappij

As above, So below – AstroTheology and Syncretism

Astrotheology and syncretism were brought to my attention by my online discovery of Santos Bonacci AKA MrAstrotheology‘s material.

It talks about the very basic principles of as above, so below and uses the zodiac  and the seven planets as a reflection in everything. My first fascination started by the simple meanings of easter and christmas – how the equinoxes and solstices are marked in the night and morning sky and clearly to be found back in mythology / religious texts.

My first interest was about the archaeo-astronomy: the alignment of dolmens and temples on solstice and equinox, but also on sirius alignments.

Continue reading As above, So below – AstroTheology and Syncretism

Testblog in the offline writer


quick practical blogging

So I’ve downloaded this offline desktop version of to see if I will write more and in different ways. I cleaned up my laptop to create a nicer faster and more practical workspace.

Somehow I feel the need to organize stuff and make it easier to start some creative work on the go. I want to implement being creative into my daily live more, so it’s important that I have my notes, lyrics, tabs and writers close at hand.

Continue reading Testblog in the offline writer